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I got COVID

I debated for a really long time whether or not I wanted to share my time with COVID. It was a really challenging time for me and I struggled with a lot of not-so-great things from my past being stirred up.

I found out I had COVID on March 9th.

And the timing couldn’t have been worse (or better, really).  We were on the last day of our mandatory quarantine (which we have done and will continue to do each time we step into a new location). We were less than 24 hours away from “freedom” and getting the opportunity to begin serving in the community.

 

 I was snacking on a mango and realized, I couldn’t taste the mango.

Honestly, I thought I was being silly and just freaking myself out. So, I took another bite, then another, and… Nothing

Because I had been in close proximity with, well, everybody. We made the decision to remain in quarantine for an additional 10 days and I was to go into isolation. We all stepped into this new style of life in quarantine.

For me isolation meant: wearing a mask 24/7 and staying 7+ ft away from everyone at all times. So, yeah, lots of alone time for me.

 

Initially I didn’t think it was going to be too much of a big deal. I have always been good at being alone and my introverted self was actually thrilled at the prospect of having a little space to myself.  I hadn’t had a chance to be “by myself” in 3 months.

The reality of what I was about to have to go through hit me when I walked back into the room I had been sharing with 9 other girls and everyone’s things were gone except for mine and I froze in the shock at the realization that I was alone.

The next few days were some of the hardest days of my time in isolation. We all were adjusting to this new sense of “normal”. Conversations looked different, interactions were different and things were lonely.

I couldn’t really be “involved” with anything. I had to be creative in where I spent my time so that people were not having to go out of their way to avoid me and I wasn’t needing to move every time someone had to cross my path. I ended up finding a couple of places where I could sit and be far enough away so that I was not in the way of the work being done on the base.

Conversations, those were a different story. I could no longer stand/sit around with everyone as they waited for the next task or took a break from what ever they were doing. Most conversations were limited to who ever was intentional in coming to sit and talk with me (they were still at a distance and required to put a mask on too).

All things considering none of those moments were super hard. The hardest moments were meal times.

If you know me at all you know I love food. I love cooking and serving others. But what I love most about food is what it does. Food can truly bring people together. Meal time can force you to step away from the busyness of life, creating a moment to gather around each other and laugh and poke fun at the people you are doing life with in what ever way that may look like (if you’re intentional with it). Even Jesus used meals to fellowship with his disciples.

And I couldn’t.

Not only was I unable to join, but I had to sit on the outside and watch.

There wasn’t a place I could sit and be a part of the group while still staying far enough away to be safe. So I sat behind the group, watching something I love happen, without me.

(***please don’t take any of this as a bad reflection on my team. My team loved me SO well through all of this and were so supportive during this time. In those moments this is where my heart was and my experience of things. ***)   

And I really struggled. I didn’t want to run and hide. I wanted to do everything I could to be a part of things. And each meal got a little harder than the last. And in those moments, I couldn’t figure out what was so hard.

It was on day 4(?) that I broke. At this point I had sat through 11(ish) meals of observing and not having the ability to join in more that the occasional holler.

We were all sitting at dinner and I had already been served (everyone always tried to make sure I was one of the first ones served- and I never did go hungry- even though I couldn’t taste it).  And I don’t know what was different about that night or that meal but I finished up my food, put away my dishes, ran to my little isolation tent, and broke down in sobs.

I felt broken and confused. I was so angry at myself for having feelings and not knowing what I was even fully feeling in the first place. I was tired of feeling forced to watch everyone else enjoy time together.   

Now my head knew that all these things were untrue but my heart hadn’t gotten the memo yet. As I sat in my tent crying over these feelings with music on, I was writing things out in a journal to try and get it out of my head so I could see the emotions and try to figure out why this was hurting so much. I was thinking through things like: being abandoned (and how similar my emotions felt to experiences from Jaco), ignored, unimportant, unseen, and unheard.  

All of these emotions felt so familiar and it took me a while to figure out how they were connected and why they hit so deep.

I was reverting back into teenage Teresa- who spent her adolescent years feeling:

Overlooked, ignored, unheard, unseen, insignificant, an outsider

And that hurt.

I thought that part of my past was finished. I had made friends. I had grown up. I had confidence in myself and who I was.

But, this underlying fear of being forgettable, this piece of my identity that I thought I had let go of, was hidden away tucked in the shadows waiting for the moment to make its grand reentrance.

I cried even harder realizing that this lie still had such control over me.

 

“Weep with me,

Lord, will You weep with me,

I don’t need answers

All I need is to know that you care for me…”

-Weep with me by Rend Collective

 

 

That exact moment of realization is when this song came on. *(here’s the link to the full song- I highly recommend listening to it, it’s a good one:(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GAGqvq4N_zQ )

This isolation and these emotions were so overwhelming, I think in those days I just wanted someone to be with me. With this song God reminded me that He was.

Not only was he with me but He was crying with me and for me.

All those moments and meals I had been fighting loneliness, searching and looking up to try and find God, to see/hear/feel Him. If I had simple turned my head, I would have realized he was beside me the whole time.  

My little isolation tent got a little cozier after that.

And I got to have quite a few more breakfast, lunch, and dinner dates with God.

 _______________________________________________________

 

This journey with Covid taught me a lot.

I was reminded of how easy it can be to slip back into old habits and believe the old lies, forgetting the truth of His love for us. For me.  

Remembering that God is more than just our heavenly Father. He is our Friend, who will sit with us and cry or laugh or simply just be still with us.

 

Have you sat beside God lately? Chatted with Him in your favorite coffee shop? He’s already seated at the table.

He’s just waiting for you to join.

 

-T

2 Comments

  1. Teresa, your story touched my heart. So very thankful that God used Covid to remind you how very important you are to Him and reminded you how close He is to you at ALL times — at your right hand. Praying you are healed from Covid and realize again how loved you are.

  2. Thank you for sharing your story and you’re not alone! My family made me quarantine after I took a short trip… just to be safe. Logically that made a lot of sense. Why risk exposure to them in case I had been exposed. You would think that knowing that, I could have sucked up those 10 days without any issues, but I didn’t. I would go cook their dinner with an N95 mask on and then take my dinner to the guest room with the door shut, eating alone, while I could hear the whole family talk and laugh over dinner without me. I’m almost 50 and those feelings of being ignored and isolated and insecure from my childhood are still popping up. I love how you found your peace and companionship which is exactly the reason you are on this wonderful adventure.

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